I've been listening to Siberia and eating squash caserole for the past three hours. Probably not going to be able to sleep any time soon, so I figured I'd type down everything I've got on my mind tonight.
Not that anyone would know, care, or relate, but the past six months have been the most spiritual times of my life. Instead of trying to literally live my life without needing the things I want, I decided to search for the things I need. For the first time since I was sixteen I'm content with lonliness. I don't need to feel loved by anyone to approve of my own existence. Seriously, everyone needs to learn to love themselves for who they are. Come at yourself from another perspective and quit thinking you need to be better than other people to feel accepted by anyone. I encourage everyone to do what they can to find a sense of wholeness and self understanding instead of chasing pointless, vague standards that do nothing but give you a tolerance to happiness of which will eventually make you miserable. For me, it was love, self expression, and popularity. I love myself, and if a girl wants to live up to the rare standard of women with sincerity, I might let her. But I honestly don't care at this point. The only person I can honestly say I love doesn't want anything to do with the plans I had for us, so I don't see a point in being bitter. It doesn't help me at all. I'll always love that person, but life goes on. As for self expression, I thought my band was the only thing that could make me happy, and thats because it did. I had a lot of fun over the past three years, made my best friends and shared a stage with my heroes. With being in a band and playing in different towns, your name is exposed, and the attention gets to your head. I regret every time I took advantage of this. I really don't care if anyone knows my name or remembers anything I did when I was in high school. I'm proud of the music I wrote with my best friends and I could care less about who heard it, although I'm honestly quite gratified by how many people actually got exposed to the material we released before we broke up last spring. All I really care about now is helping people who ask for it and trying to impact the lives of people who I know will live their lives better because of it. Other than that, keeping a healthy supply of romantic comedies flowing through my surround sound and setting Explosions In The Sky and The Movielife on repeat in my room keeps me alive.
I've embraced so many things in my life now that have always been there, and I just didn't have the clarity to see them. When I'm down, my best friends know exactly what to say to bring me back up. I know how to actually seek counsel to the right people who have their priorities sorted out enough to where they know how to relate to people asking for advice. I'm extremely grateful to myself for not being as judgemental or egocentric as I used to be. Grasping the fact that you don't deserve anything you're expecting is a huge step toward finding a sense of selflessness and humility. I can honestly say I've learned to be happy for people and not jealous or envious of them based on some self-proclaimed standard of credibility I've fabricated just to justify my jealousy. I couldn't be more grateful to be rid of feelings like that. They were eating me alive over and over again, destroying relationships and making me an angry person. I encourage everyone to try and let go of their bitterness and learn to let live.
I've taken a firm stand on my beliefs. My faith couldn't be stronger. I still struggle with the everyday things people consider petty mistakes, but all they do is prove to me that I could be a better person. Morality means a lot to me now, because, one - they are extremely difficult to uphold, and two - I hardly know anyone who appreciates morals. Politically, I choose what topics I wish to have an opinion on, because honestly, some of the things people argue about don't make any sense. I think both republicans and democrats are pathetic and unaware of the sagacity they live and breathe every time they spit their bias at each other. What is better is that I have the facts to support what I say. I'm just as blunt and relentless with my arguments as ever, but I don't find it a point to make people feel stupid for their ignorance. Some debates can't be won with an absolute, because at the end of the day, regardless of the evidence you have to support what you say, all people care about is what they care about. You can only educate people so much, eventually they remember how religiously they cling to denial and their own advice.
I've learned to smile just from being happy. I've learned to take a million times more of the aesthetic value in the universe in than I used to. I've learned to remind myself I don't need to be depressed. I've learned how to empathize. I've learned how to live how I know God would want me to. I've learned how to see from perspective. I've learned how to do what scares me.
For the first time in my life, there is substance.
There is some resolution in the void of clarity I've drowned in the for the past years.
I implore everyone to live as the change they want to see in the world,
To appreciate the advantages of living with a sober mind,
And to do what scares them.
I'm pretty concrete with my take on the meaning of life.
The feeling of life, however, is still something I'm breathing in.
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