If there was ever a mistake I wish I could take back, it was letting you see the part of me I shouldn't have been. But if that meant never letting you see me in the first place, I'll take reality. She was the first person to tell me I didn't need to be better, I didn't need to be above anyone, I didn't need to be anything but myself. I believed her, but my constant feelings of inadequacy kept me attempting to amend what didn't need correction. This, my ultimate regret. The first person to tell me I was a writer, the first person to tell me I was good at expressing myself. Too surreal to emotionally process. I'm sitting in the computer room of my best friend's house, which happens to be the place I live. It is three in the morning and the most beautiful girl I've ever met was laying next to me in a towel a mere five minutes ago, saying goodbye. She's leaving on a plane for Seattle in five hours, and I can't do a thing to stop her.
I probably sit alone and think about love more than any logical person should, but I've grasped my fate. My accepted destiny is the world's biggest walking cliché. I'm a hopeless romantic and I'll probably be nothing more than a spectator, a critic of the glory that I'm void of experiencing in it's fullness. What is worse, is that I'm persistent. I refuse to give in and not give myself another chance to get what I want. I refuse to let what transpired over two years of unconditional love remain in a moment that didn't live as long as it should have. I'm pretty sure she was surprised at how much I cared. I for one am on a mission to restore chivalry. To restore what profound sense of innocence I had. She could do this in an instant, and it wouldn't even take much. Thank God for the technology of photography - that smile could outshine the Hawaii coast at sundown and a laugh that could drown out gunfire.
There were so many times through this entire ordeal where I had tried to force myself to not care about her, to distance myself from the idea of her and separate any consideration. Just to save myself the heartbreak I knew was coming, but that would have been harder than taking the pain. There was nothing that was going to stop them from growing closer. I worked a part time job in a mall just to feed myself, there was no way I was buying a plane ticket to perform a typical intervention. Trust me, I weighed the options.
I wish the thought of her with him didn't make me so upset. I honestly wish I could have taken back every disgusting thing I've said out of jealousy, but still, I hate him. At the same time though, I'm thankful he was around to give her whatever I couldn't, whatever that was. No harsh words can seriously explain my envy.
In retrospect, I wouldn't have traded it for anything. That is the only way I can seem to conclude this...closure hasn't really evolved on this subject and probably never will. Maybe one day, we'll look back at this and laugh. Hopefully I'll be able to laugh about it.
Dear muse,Dear writers block,
Dear love,
Dear downfall,
I hope you're happy with whoever you are, whatever you're doing, wherever you're going.
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