Honestly.

I'm addicted to Arizona Green Tea. A cold one of those can turn my day from bad to good. When I'm sad, I'll find a song that relates to the reason I'm sad, and put it on repeat until one of my room mates tells me to quit being a fagot. I consider the person I was a year ago to be a bad person. I've said things I shouldn't have and more that I wish I could take back. For too long I've tried to live up to the reputation people that didn't matter had expected of me because I felt like that was the only way I'd be accepted. I hate who that person was, and I've finally discovered the foundation of the person I can truly love. Day by day, I feel more real than the day before. I know when I need 'me' time. I know when to take a break from seeing my friends all the time and be alone when I need to. But I am deathly afraid of being alone. The worst moments in my life are laying on my pillow until I fall asleep. I have the best friends a guy could ask for. They've stuck by me through thick and thin, and I wish nothing but the best for them. Every one of them. I consider myself somewhat of a clean freak, but I really do hate cleaning. I know its harmless to a degree, but I flirt too much, and I hate it. I go mental some days thinking about love too much. More than anyone probably should. New Found Glory is my favorite band in the world. I'm insanely self-conscious about my appearance. I had chronic anxiety attacks daily from age eleven to age seventeen. I don't know why they're gone now, but I couldn't be happier about not having to deal with them any more. I'm persistent. I won't give up on anything until someone yells at me...I'm constantly thinking that there's always a chance. I don't miss my band but I miss playing music. For the most part, I miss the people I met while being in that band and the things we did together. Some of them are my best friends now. I just don't miss the collective we became. I do miss playing music though. I have six nieces, and eight nephews. I love being Uncle Big D. I've been on the wrong side of substance use before, and I'll never go back, much less even take another step back toward my past. I'm staying true to my convictions and I'll be sober until the day I die. I spend too much time on my cell phone, even to the point of texting people when others are trying to have a conversation with me. It's rude but I still do it. I feel like I'll never not be jaded. I don't remember what it feels like to trust someone without them hurting me. I want to be healthier, but I lack the motivation to go to the gym that I have a free membership with. Too lazy. When I start reading a book, I get bored and start reading another one. I want someone to find me a book I can finish. I want to get paid to cook food for people who'll appreciate it. I'm a grammar critic and I often use an extensive vocabulary primarily for harsh words. I need to stop this. I try and have an awesome relationship with God, but I'm not perfect, and keeping my faith as intact as I wish it was is difficult for me. I'm constantly feeling like praying doesn't get me anywhere. I know there is something I'm missing, and I'm working on it. My dad died when I was sixteen, and if anything it brought me closer to God when most people would be upset and bitter. But this is reality, and we need to grasp that we don't deserve any guarantee whatsoever besides air to breathe.