Our lungs have been asleep.

I've been listening to Siberia and eating squash caserole for the past three hours. Probably not going to be able to sleep any time soon, so I figured I'd type down everything I've got on my mind tonight.


Not that anyone would know, care, or relate, but the past six months have been the most spiritual times of my life. Instead of trying to literally live my life without needing the things I want, I decided to search for the things I need. For the first time since I was sixteen I'm content with lonliness. I don't need to feel loved by anyone to approve of my own existence. Seriously, everyone needs to learn to love themselves for who they are. Come at yourself from another perspective and quit thinking you need to be better than other people to feel accepted by anyone. I encourage everyone to do what they can to find a sense of wholeness and self understanding instead of chasing pointless, vague standards that do nothing but give you a tolerance to happiness of which will eventually make you miserable. For me, it was love, self expression, and popularity. I love myself, and if a girl wants to live up to the rare standard of women with sincerity, I might let her. But I honestly don't care at this point. The only person I can honestly say I love doesn't want anything to do with the plans I had for us, so I don't see a point in being bitter. It doesn't help me at all. I'll always love that person, but life goes on. As for self expression, I thought my band was the only thing that could make me happy, and thats because it did. I had a lot of fun over the past three years, made my best friends and shared a stage with my heroes. With being in a band and playing in different towns, your name is exposed, and the attention gets to your head. I regret every time I took advantage of this. I really don't care if anyone knows my name or remembers anything I did when I was in high school. I'm proud of the music I wrote with my best friends and I could care less about who heard it, although I'm honestly quite gratified by how many people actually got exposed to the material we released before we broke up last spring. All I really care about now is helping people who ask for it and trying to impact the lives of people who I know will live their lives better because of it. Other than that, keeping a healthy supply of romantic comedies flowing through my surround sound and setting Explosions In The Sky and The Movielife on repeat in my room keeps me alive.

I've embraced so many things in my life now that have always been there, and I just didn't have the clarity to see them. When I'm down, my best friends know exactly what to say to bring me back up. I know how to actually seek counsel to the right people who have their priorities sorted out enough to where they know how to relate to people asking for advice. I'm extremely grateful to myself for not being as judgemental or egocentric as I used to be. Grasping the fact that you don't deserve anything you're expecting is a huge step toward finding a sense of selflessness and humility. I can honestly say I've learned to be happy for people and not jealous or envious of them based on some self-proclaimed standard of credibility I've fabricated just to justify my jealousy. I couldn't be more grateful to be rid of feelings like that. They were eating me alive over and over again, destroying relationships and making me an angry person. I encourage everyone to try and let go of their bitterness and learn to let live.

I've taken a firm stand on my beliefs. My faith couldn't be stronger. I still struggle with the everyday things people consider petty mistakes, but all they do is prove to me that I could be a better person. Morality means a lot to me now, because, one - they are extremely difficult to uphold, and two - I hardly know anyone who appreciates morals. Politically, I choose what topics I wish to have an opinion on, because honestly, some of the things people argue about don't make any sense. I think both republicans and democrats are pathetic and unaware of the sagacity they live and breathe every time they spit their bias at each other. What is better is that I have the facts to support what I say. I'm just as blunt and relentless with my arguments as ever, but I don't find it a point to make people feel stupid for their ignorance. Some debates can't be won with an absolute, because at the end of the day, regardless of the evidence you have to support what you say, all people care about is what they care about. You can only educate people so much, eventually they remember how religiously they cling to denial and their own advice.

I've learned to smile just from being happy. I've learned to take a million times more of the aesthetic value in the universe in than I used to. I've learned to remind myself I don't need to be depressed. I've learned how to empathize. I've learned how to live how I know God would want me to. I've learned how to see from perspective. I've learned how to do what scares me.

For the first time in my life, there is substance.
There is some resolution in the void of clarity I've drowned in the for the past years.
I implore everyone to live as the change they want to see in the world,
To appreciate the advantages of living with a sober mind,
And to do what scares them.

I'm pretty concrete with my take on the meaning of life.
The feeling of life, however, is still something I'm breathing in.

Happymess

Can someone tell me why we, as exceptional people, place ourselves in situations of which we know will never permanently benefit us? Why do we lead our hearts, self esteem, self respect, trust, loyalty, and sense of ethics and moral values to the gallows? I'm talking about 'us'. The 'other' kind of people. The ones placed here in the world to witness the rest of society being what they are. Average, mundane, pallid statistics of social culture. We're the unheard voices, the rebound boys, the backup plan girls, the ones that weren't considered good enough.

In my opinion, we're too loving. Too caring. Especially for people who could care less about our existence or not, despite their claims to consideration. I'm the guy that gets the "I'm bored lets hang out" texts, the "I want to see your face" phone calls. I've never been able to grasp why I've neglected the ones worth my time, worth my love, and instead paying attention the someone I felt needed me more. Perhaps I needed to make someone feel complete to feel complete, as easy as it would have been to find companionship otherwise. I have learned - stay away from insecure people. You're not a superhero, you're not a saint, you're not a savior. Find someone as capable of functioning as you are.

Instead, we continue to work towards walking in circles until we've dug a hole of hopelessly romantic, unwanted, unloved, unneeded best friends of the ones we love the most. We are their unrequited love, to bask in all of their undeserving, self-absorbed glory. It is a fact, I need to learn to love me. I'm being honest with myself these days. And I truly do - to an extent, and I'm sure until that extent is covered I won't be happy. I do believe we need to be content in our own skin before we can try and complete someone else. Has trying to love anyone ever made you love yourself? Don't take this the wrong way. I love to love and to be loved, but it gets to a point where we need to do things for ourselves.

We don't need 'us' time. We need 'me' time. Or, you can continue through this pathetic excuse for life searching for the person to make you feel like you're needed, when all you need is yourself. Your close friends. A family. A good read. A few great movies.

Take your own advice when it's not what you want to hear.

To myself, to you, and my fellow XY chromosomes.

Fellow boys, you need to understand that the chase is nothing more than that. It is a game. A race between you and your bad qualities to see who can either get her or turn her off to you indefinitely. Take into account that we're worth listening to, firstly. We aren't as bad or chauvinistic or perverted as film makes us out to be. We're better than that. Sure, there are some who reinforce the cliche', but there are always going to be those to back up every stereotype. Same goes for girls. There are gems, here and there, but ultimately you can look around and see a parade of sluts who want nothing more in life than the most materialistic guy they can find. Check the mall.

I for one, remember waking up at 3am all the time because 'someone' couldn't sleep and didn't want to have to sit at home alone and reflect on her failed dating because she chose to take advantage of the only person who cared instead of being honest with herself. The hopeless puppy dog, leashed. Yeah, I'm a terrible person because I expect you to use your eyes and understand I'd be the end of all the problems the rest of them were. I'm a selfish person because instead of 'understanding your needs and respecting your wishes to remain friends', I'm trying to show you that you constantly make it blatantly apparent that I'm the one to end all of that. It isn't my fault you can't make up your mind, especially when I'm reading it like an open fucking book.

Guys, don't think for a second that she's thinking of how heartbroken or betrayed you feel. She's not having a hard time walking away. She's content with letting her own life get in the way. So many plans you aren't included in, after years of being told you would be. With no explanation. We're wrong, and they're right. That is how it's always going to work out. Let me guess...eventually, you apologize for whatever you can think of can possibly be the reason she acts like that - and at that point, gentlemen, you're stripped the power of self respect from your very hands. Maybe she'll return one of every eighty text messages, return a couple of phone calls every six months from across the country, and tell you "I think about you every day. I love and miss you, so much." Cheap. Cheap. Cheap.

Who hasn't dealt with this shit? Give me a show of hands. Who hasn't gone through months of endless, excruciating emotional torture because one selfish, egocentric girl dropped you under Mr. Right because you weren't Mr. Right NOW? I know it happens to everyone, but I want to meet them. We can form a statistic representing the sadistic bullshit women adhere to for self-comfort instead of growing the hell up and learning how to treat people the right way.

Perhaps I'm just a bitter, unforgiving pile of discontentment and complaints. So be it. I've just realized that I'm an amazing person with or without anyone. Any girl would be lucky to get to know me. Fact. I'm not a bad person just because I react to women like a man would.

Sure, I'm using the idea of getting others to relate to my pointless problems as an excuse to showcase this, but I write for myself. Or I end up thriving on them in my head. Excuse me for being able to use a keyboard other than playing WoW and searching YouTube for Usher videos. What I'm trying to say is - wake the hell up, ladies. The cliches, the stereotypes, the pathetic social bear traps you women set to control male behavior, it will all eventually die. At some point, you'll have to be honest with yourselves. Men are as chauvinistic as you are sadistic. Shit is rough all over, and you're not safe from conviction of trying to turn good guys into puppets.

I knew you were never coming home, and I'm not sorry for being me.

Honestly.

I'm addicted to Arizona Green Tea. A cold one of those can turn my day from bad to good. When I'm sad, I'll find a song that relates to the reason I'm sad, and put it on repeat until one of my room mates tells me to quit being a fagot. I consider the person I was a year ago to be a bad person. I've said things I shouldn't have and more that I wish I could take back. For too long I've tried to live up to the reputation people that didn't matter had expected of me because I felt like that was the only way I'd be accepted. I hate who that person was, and I've finally discovered the foundation of the person I can truly love. Day by day, I feel more real than the day before. I know when I need 'me' time. I know when to take a break from seeing my friends all the time and be alone when I need to. But I am deathly afraid of being alone. The worst moments in my life are laying on my pillow until I fall asleep. I have the best friends a guy could ask for. They've stuck by me through thick and thin, and I wish nothing but the best for them. Every one of them. I consider myself somewhat of a clean freak, but I really do hate cleaning. I know its harmless to a degree, but I flirt too much, and I hate it. I go mental some days thinking about love too much. More than anyone probably should. New Found Glory is my favorite band in the world. I'm insanely self-conscious about my appearance. I had chronic anxiety attacks daily from age eleven to age seventeen. I don't know why they're gone now, but I couldn't be happier about not having to deal with them any more. I'm persistent. I won't give up on anything until someone yells at me...I'm constantly thinking that there's always a chance. I don't miss my band but I miss playing music. For the most part, I miss the people I met while being in that band and the things we did together. Some of them are my best friends now. I just don't miss the collective we became. I do miss playing music though. I have six nieces, and eight nephews. I love being Uncle Big D. I've been on the wrong side of substance use before, and I'll never go back, much less even take another step back toward my past. I'm staying true to my convictions and I'll be sober until the day I die. I spend too much time on my cell phone, even to the point of texting people when others are trying to have a conversation with me. It's rude but I still do it. I feel like I'll never not be jaded. I don't remember what it feels like to trust someone without them hurting me. I want to be healthier, but I lack the motivation to go to the gym that I have a free membership with. Too lazy. When I start reading a book, I get bored and start reading another one. I want someone to find me a book I can finish. I want to get paid to cook food for people who'll appreciate it. I'm a grammar critic and I often use an extensive vocabulary primarily for harsh words. I need to stop this. I try and have an awesome relationship with God, but I'm not perfect, and keeping my faith as intact as I wish it was is difficult for me. I'm constantly feeling like praying doesn't get me anywhere. I know there is something I'm missing, and I'm working on it. My dad died when I was sixteen, and if anything it brought me closer to God when most people would be upset and bitter. But this is reality, and we need to grasp that we don't deserve any guarantee whatsoever besides air to breathe.

I use my own advice like a fake tattoo.

If there was ever a mistake I wish I could take back, it was letting you see the part of me I shouldn't have been. But if that meant never letting you see me in the first place, I'll take reality. She was the first person to tell me I didn't need to be better, I didn't need to be above anyone, I didn't need to be anything but myself. I believed her, but my constant feelings of inadequacy kept me attempting to amend what didn't need correction. This, my ultimate regret. The first person to tell me I was a writer, the first person to tell me I was good at expressing myself. Too surreal to emotionally process. I'm sitting in the computer room of my best friend's house, which happens to be the place I live. It is three in the morning and the most beautiful girl I've ever met was laying next to me in a towel a mere five minutes ago, saying goodbye. She's leaving on a plane for Seattle in five hours, and I can't do a thing to stop her.

I probably sit alone and think about love more than any logical person should, but I've grasped my fate. My accepted destiny is the world's biggest walking cliché. I'm a hopeless romantic and I'll probably be nothing more than a spectator, a critic of the glory that I'm void of experiencing in it's fullness. What is worse, is that I'm persistent. I refuse to give in and not give myself another chance to get what I want. I refuse to let what transpired over two years of unconditional love remain in a moment that didn't live as long as it should have. I'm pretty sure she was surprised at how much I cared. I for one am on a mission to restore chivalry. To restore what profound sense of innocence I had. She could do this in an instant, and it wouldn't even take much. Thank God for the technology of photography - that smile could outshine the Hawaii coast at sundown and a laugh that could drown out gunfire.

There were so many times through this entire ordeal where I had tried to force myself to not care about her, to distance myself from the idea of her and separate any consideration. Just to save myself the heartbreak I knew was coming, but that would have been harder than taking the pain. There was nothing that was going to stop them from growing closer. I worked a part time job in a mall just to feed myself, there was no way I was buying a plane ticket to perform a typical intervention. Trust me, I weighed the options.

I wish the thought of her with him didn't make me so upset. I honestly wish I could have taken back every disgusting thing I've said out of jealousy, but still, I hate him. At the same time though, I'm thankful he was around to give her whatever I couldn't, whatever that was. No harsh words can seriously explain my envy.

In retrospect, I wouldn't have traded it for anything. That is the only way I can seem to conclude this...closure hasn't really evolved on this subject and probably never will. Maybe one day, we'll look back at this and laugh. Hopefully I'll be able to laugh about it.

Dear muse,Dear writers block,
Dear love,
Dear downfall,

I hope you're happy with whoever you are, whatever you're doing, wherever you're going.

Home is where the hurt is.

If a person was meant for you, they never would have left you. If they come back, that's because the person they left you for left them for someone else. Sayings like "Home is where the heart is" were coined by the most lonely poets who ever lived, if I were to guess. If someone wants you, they'll take you. All the other empty promises is them liking the idea of you.

That is the difference between Mister Right and Mister Right Now. You're better than waiting for someone else to grow up. You're better than the situations they put you in. Life isn't a romantic comedy, and waiting to be swept off your feet is waiting to die alone.

Take into consideration the friendships you already have - those people will be there to catch you when you fall, after someone fails at sweeping you off your feet.

So we try some optimism, pen some slogans for more better days.

One of the best and most heart-filled hardcore releases of the past twenty years.

Idle hands.

My strengths-quest assessment told me I'm introspective to the point that I become discontent with my life after compiling a mental list of ideas about what my life could be if I applied myself. Seeing as I don't party or mingle with too many people around here, that was probably the weirdest college experience thus far.

I like this class. At least now I know for sure that these are strengths and not weaknesses. I'm pretty sure what I want to major in now.

I like not having to work, but at the same time, I can't help but feel like I should have my own business. I'll think and pray more on this, but in the meantime, VA allowance and grants that I'll never have to pay back are keeping everything frosty. Speaking of frosty, snow is coming soon. I'll be happy the first day, for sure. But I'll probably get depressed thinking about dad as the first week progresses. Regardless, the cold sucks.

I'm getting bored, and it sucks. I took Hawaii and the social scene's constantly active agenda for granted. That was an island, and more goes on there than this town. I'm sick of having to drop thirty dollars to the cities to do anything worth taking a picture of. This makes me feel like moving to Indianapolis again. Second semester, perhaps. At least I'd be closer to her.

Family Video rental = the cat's knees. This place might as well be my girlfriend right now. So many great movies I never knew existed.

No Saints

There are no saints - you're as safe as you make yourself. I've been blamed for blaming the blamed, so prove me wrong and find a human being who isn't insane. The saviors can't save themselves and I'm still taking advice from dead men. They suffer with pride and somehow still find more to smile for than I. Honestly, purely, bluntly confessional. I blame myself as you should but I know I had help, eager accomplices yet reluctant to send themselves to hell. They told us we'd only live once, and that seemed to be enough to ironically coerce us to replace love with lust. We embellished the truth to keep it convenient, we said just this once and then never again. Just once but now I think I'll walk this line just one more time. This is a problem of perception, like my free will and my predestination.I'm walking in circles and there's no one to warn me of the hole that I'm digging with every step that I take. The help that is offered is all too proudly turned down, I could stop myself if I tried, but that's too easy now. I know better than this, we know better than this. But the line between an idle hand and a masterpiece is a continent wide. A long journey while you're lifeless and losing your mind. I'm feeling younger and younger the more I deny, self medicating the impending truth that I hide. This fallacy I cling to, the idols I praise, are vowing to cut me down and to dance on my grave. I promise I'm breathing, I'll never consider suicide. Please, take me now, while I can't feel it, while I can't see anything but the inside of my eyes. This is what I'm missing, your heart is what I lack. I can't help but hope that I'll go in my sleep, before my heart is attacked. I'm consumed by the hatred of a cynic. I've been worshiping a life without you and ignoring the facts, and now the dead gods that I pray to are eating the meat off my back. Some say all real men, they lived on their feet, and the faithful were fools who died on their knees. But this attitude is resultless, with no one to blame but themselves. I don't have much left, save for hope and enough gas to get me home. I sacrifice this to ask you to show me something to make me smile.

Adjust me, and make me forget the numbers.

Broken Bells

Ascending as far away from these power lines as I can, attempting to figure out where I've been and who I am, I'm trying to separate this place from my home. Distance myself from this state of mind that I call 'alone'. I am climbing, and I'm tired. Your claim for restoration will never be, you're blind as you dig your future graves. Chained down for this long, meager shackles in a complex prison. At the start, we're pinching pennies to buy ourselves into purgatory. Your selfish agenda precedes our endeavor of love, reformed to disguise yourselves as saviors and gods. No saints, just sinners. No one is safe. This paper is only paper, and will always be paper. Mere trees, cut down to size. Set flame to gold and watch it burn black. Pinching pennies, come holy hell or high water, they're on their way. Now the pollutants are rising with high tide, we will cry over spilled oil and then go home to hide. The path you walk, of which I stray, will never end - it will bend and will break. Liberated by the victims of our reversed justice. This broken bell you worship, it will sink. And the paper lord you've protected in glass, The ink will wash away, and with it our past. Ash is so hard to inhale, and harder to live with. Debris brings a mountain of regret, we all must ascend. This is our fault, hanging each other by our own ties, paying the church to hide the lies. Cover up the rape, cover up the assault on the spirit of youth. Make excuses. I'll never believe a single word. This is my sermon to a dead religion. God will prevail, as we inhale debris. Find yourselves in him, my brothers. Ignore the organized and collected. Hold your faith above an army of the dishonest and depraved. Steeples will burn, until we learn. Open your eyes, knock down the walls you've built around the light. Carve out the parts of your heart that have prevented you from finding truth. You are much too blind to see the blackness of your own heart, the double-sided faces of your pathetic lives. Heartless lives. Loveless lives. Without integrity, we trudge through lifeless lives. Eat your hearts out.

Tired Climb

Achievements present compost of past wars, human history, a tragic performance. Progress remains non-existent, these seasons constant, as we strive for perfection. Oh, here come the martyrs. Here to seek the attention and praise of the livestock and remedial. And we have sought out love, peace, and clarity by threatening the weak and numb, painting their faith black with absence and misunderstanding. We will conform to convert, but will we learn to see ourselves and love? You are not one to know. Cast aside our sins, our absolves, and our adjustments. Ignore all which makes us human, but not our greed. We're here to bleed what he creates. How loving is this? Your covenant is a crypt. I don't expect you to foresee what you're becoming. Ive put all my trust in you, and you spat it back out at me. We built the temples that never saw praise. Our testimonies appeal only to the demented and depraved. Our assumptions lead us astray, with no direction, a society of blind followers descend into disarray. Doomed to a repetition of sleepless nights. A routine but without hope. Without answers, without rebirth, dark days foreseen. All creation wilting, with no remorse for love. We fight a war for fuel and respect, but none for him above. Our future, teetering on a cliff side. Stillborn children stand as example. A future without conception seems appropriate, farewell procreation. Infertility, the final plague. Normality, here we come. And, the scholars! With their faith placed in chance and their own flawed methods. You are no savior, you're an obstruction. So bow your head below creation, for we are your children that will pave your last path, bury the elderly in the graves they deserve. Dead generations of ignorance and fear, now things of the past. Be with him, and leave us to save the world.

Rapture here, for the worst of us, at no payment. Rapture here, here for us, the poor and weak. Never getting further. Our righteous generation emerges from the ashes of what would have been the end. This is all I've ever dreamed of. We'll love like he did, help as we have been helped. They'll dream him dying, they'll dream him slain, and we will know him as our savior. Hope will not die. We will survive. Never forget.

The system that hung our fathers will run out of rope,
And we will stand outside the gates to make sure they never find home.