Nostalgia is a broken record, and I hate this song.

I'll never understand how anyone or I myself manage to reprogram my mind to stop telling myself what I'd rather hear and start admitting what I need to say, do, or accept. I think it's a skill acquired when you're really growing up - after the threshold of independence has been crossed miles further. You really put things into perspective, especially when you're not depending on someone else for support or using another person as your own emotional crutch.

At least the sober clarity and free mind of not being in a relationship has helped me weigh the pro's and con's regarding my future with someone. She seems like the real breath of fresh air anyone could ask for. Honest, genuine, sweet, caring, humanistic, optimistic, artistic, empathetic, adventurous. Everything I could ask for. Eight hours north and a huge dent in Venable time is a problem. Baby steps though. The right one will always be there, I tell myself.

I also tell myself and people who ask that I'm over what happened with you, and that I couldn't be happier that we're friends again despite how busy you always are. Doesn't change the fact that I'll always be jealous of him, and for that, I'll never forgive myself for not being good enough.

And in that aspect, I will always be bitter.

I promise to make you so alive that the fall of dust on furniture will deafen you.

I have not posted in a while. Obviously things are going too well. Sounds & sights for days. I don't enjoy the attention I've been getting from the opposite sex. I don't know who is full of shit and who's genuine - besides one person. Otherwise, she seems perfect. Distance and irony seem to coincide in these kinds of situations. I've learned to stop expecting anything, and to just live life a day at a time and letting things happen as they should. Having Venable helps a lot. This band is going to tear the scene a new one, that's for sure. I really like how things are going slow. I don't think I could handle school and music at the same time right now. The void is still there, though. Working on that.

Our lungs have been asleep.

I've been listening to Siberia and eating squash caserole for the past three hours. Probably not going to be able to sleep any time soon, so I figured I'd type down everything I've got on my mind tonight.


Not that anyone would know, care, or relate, but the past six months have been the most spiritual times of my life. Instead of trying to literally live my life without needing the things I want, I decided to search for the things I need. For the first time since I was sixteen I'm content with lonliness. I don't need to feel loved by anyone to approve of my own existence. Seriously, everyone needs to learn to love themselves for who they are. Come at yourself from another perspective and quit thinking you need to be better than other people to feel accepted by anyone. I encourage everyone to do what they can to find a sense of wholeness and self understanding instead of chasing pointless, vague standards that do nothing but give you a tolerance to happiness of which will eventually make you miserable. For me, it was love, self expression, and popularity. I love myself, and if a girl wants to live up to the rare standard of women with sincerity, I might let her. But I honestly don't care at this point. The only person I can honestly say I love doesn't want anything to do with the plans I had for us, so I don't see a point in being bitter. It doesn't help me at all. I'll always love that person, but life goes on. As for self expression, I thought my band was the only thing that could make me happy, and thats because it did. I had a lot of fun over the past three years, made my best friends and shared a stage with my heroes. With being in a band and playing in different towns, your name is exposed, and the attention gets to your head. I regret every time I took advantage of this. I really don't care if anyone knows my name or remembers anything I did when I was in high school. I'm proud of the music I wrote with my best friends and I could care less about who heard it, although I'm honestly quite gratified by how many people actually got exposed to the material we released before we broke up last spring. All I really care about now is helping people who ask for it and trying to impact the lives of people who I know will live their lives better because of it. Other than that, keeping a healthy supply of romantic comedies flowing through my surround sound and setting Explosions In The Sky and The Movielife on repeat in my room keeps me alive.

I've embraced so many things in my life now that have always been there, and I just didn't have the clarity to see them. When I'm down, my best friends know exactly what to say to bring me back up. I know how to actually seek counsel to the right people who have their priorities sorted out enough to where they know how to relate to people asking for advice. I'm extremely grateful to myself for not being as judgemental or egocentric as I used to be. Grasping the fact that you don't deserve anything you're expecting is a huge step toward finding a sense of selflessness and humility. I can honestly say I've learned to be happy for people and not jealous or envious of them based on some self-proclaimed standard of credibility I've fabricated just to justify my jealousy. I couldn't be more grateful to be rid of feelings like that. They were eating me alive over and over again, destroying relationships and making me an angry person. I encourage everyone to try and let go of their bitterness and learn to let live.

I've taken a firm stand on my beliefs. My faith couldn't be stronger. I still struggle with the everyday things people consider petty mistakes, but all they do is prove to me that I could be a better person. Morality means a lot to me now, because, one - they are extremely difficult to uphold, and two - I hardly know anyone who appreciates morals. Politically, I choose what topics I wish to have an opinion on, because honestly, some of the things people argue about don't make any sense. I think both republicans and democrats are pathetic and unaware of the sagacity they live and breathe every time they spit their bias at each other. What is better is that I have the facts to support what I say. I'm just as blunt and relentless with my arguments as ever, but I don't find it a point to make people feel stupid for their ignorance. Some debates can't be won with an absolute, because at the end of the day, regardless of the evidence you have to support what you say, all people care about is what they care about. You can only educate people so much, eventually they remember how religiously they cling to denial and their own advice.

I've learned to smile just from being happy. I've learned to take a million times more of the aesthetic value in the universe in than I used to. I've learned to remind myself I don't need to be depressed. I've learned how to empathize. I've learned how to live how I know God would want me to. I've learned how to see from perspective. I've learned how to do what scares me.

For the first time in my life, there is substance.
There is some resolution in the void of clarity I've drowned in the for the past years.
I implore everyone to live as the change they want to see in the world,
To appreciate the advantages of living with a sober mind,
And to do what scares them.

I'm pretty concrete with my take on the meaning of life.
The feeling of life, however, is still something I'm breathing in.

Happymess

Can someone tell me why we, as exceptional people, place ourselves in situations of which we know will never permanently benefit us? Why do we lead our hearts, self esteem, self respect, trust, loyalty, and sense of ethics and moral values to the gallows? I'm talking about 'us'. The 'other' kind of people. The ones placed here in the world to witness the rest of society being what they are. Average, mundane, pallid statistics of social culture. We're the unheard voices, the rebound boys, the backup plan girls, the ones that weren't considered good enough.

In my opinion, we're too loving. Too caring. Especially for people who could care less about our existence or not, despite their claims to consideration. I'm the guy that gets the "I'm bored lets hang out" texts, the "I want to see your face" phone calls. I've never been able to grasp why I've neglected the ones worth my time, worth my love, and instead paying attention the someone I felt needed me more. Perhaps I needed to make someone feel complete to feel complete, as easy as it would have been to find companionship otherwise. I have learned - stay away from insecure people. You're not a superhero, you're not a saint, you're not a savior. Find someone as capable of functioning as you are.

Instead, we continue to work towards walking in circles until we've dug a hole of hopelessly romantic, unwanted, unloved, unneeded best friends of the ones we love the most. We are their unrequited love, to bask in all of their undeserving, self-absorbed glory. It is a fact, I need to learn to love me. I'm being honest with myself these days. And I truly do - to an extent, and I'm sure until that extent is covered I won't be happy. I do believe we need to be content in our own skin before we can try and complete someone else. Has trying to love anyone ever made you love yourself? Don't take this the wrong way. I love to love and to be loved, but it gets to a point where we need to do things for ourselves.

We don't need 'us' time. We need 'me' time. Or, you can continue through this pathetic excuse for life searching for the person to make you feel like you're needed, when all you need is yourself. Your close friends. A family. A good read. A few great movies.

Take your own advice when it's not what you want to hear.

To myself, to you, and my fellow XY chromosomes.

Fellow boys, you need to understand that the chase is nothing more than that. It is a game. A race between you and your bad qualities to see who can either get her or turn her off to you indefinitely. Take into account that we're worth listening to, firstly. We aren't as bad or chauvinistic or perverted as film makes us out to be. We're better than that. Sure, there are some who reinforce the cliche', but there are always going to be those to back up every stereotype. Same goes for girls. There are gems, here and there, but ultimately you can look around and see a parade of sluts who want nothing more in life than the most materialistic guy they can find. Check the mall.

I for one, remember waking up at 3am all the time because 'someone' couldn't sleep and didn't want to have to sit at home alone and reflect on her failed dating because she chose to take advantage of the only person who cared instead of being honest with herself. The hopeless puppy dog, leashed. Yeah, I'm a terrible person because I expect you to use your eyes and understand I'd be the end of all the problems the rest of them were. I'm a selfish person because instead of 'understanding your needs and respecting your wishes to remain friends', I'm trying to show you that you constantly make it blatantly apparent that I'm the one to end all of that. It isn't my fault you can't make up your mind, especially when I'm reading it like an open fucking book.

Guys, don't think for a second that she's thinking of how heartbroken or betrayed you feel. She's not having a hard time walking away. She's content with letting her own life get in the way. So many plans you aren't included in, after years of being told you would be. With no explanation. We're wrong, and they're right. That is how it's always going to work out. Let me guess...eventually, you apologize for whatever you can think of can possibly be the reason she acts like that - and at that point, gentlemen, you're stripped the power of self respect from your very hands. Maybe she'll return one of every eighty text messages, return a couple of phone calls every six months from across the country, and tell you "I think about you every day. I love and miss you, so much." Cheap. Cheap. Cheap.

Who hasn't dealt with this shit? Give me a show of hands. Who hasn't gone through months of endless, excruciating emotional torture because one selfish, egocentric girl dropped you under Mr. Right because you weren't Mr. Right NOW? I know it happens to everyone, but I want to meet them. We can form a statistic representing the sadistic bullshit women adhere to for self-comfort instead of growing the hell up and learning how to treat people the right way.

Perhaps I'm just a bitter, unforgiving pile of discontentment and complaints. So be it. I've just realized that I'm an amazing person with or without anyone. Any girl would be lucky to get to know me. Fact. I'm not a bad person just because I react to women like a man would.

Sure, I'm using the idea of getting others to relate to my pointless problems as an excuse to showcase this, but I write for myself. Or I end up thriving on them in my head. Excuse me for being able to use a keyboard other than playing WoW and searching YouTube for Usher videos. What I'm trying to say is - wake the hell up, ladies. The cliches, the stereotypes, the pathetic social bear traps you women set to control male behavior, it will all eventually die. At some point, you'll have to be honest with yourselves. Men are as chauvinistic as you are sadistic. Shit is rough all over, and you're not safe from conviction of trying to turn good guys into puppets.

I knew you were never coming home, and I'm not sorry for being me.

Honestly.

I'm addicted to Arizona Green Tea. A cold one of those can turn my day from bad to good. When I'm sad, I'll find a song that relates to the reason I'm sad, and put it on repeat until one of my room mates tells me to quit being a fagot. I consider the person I was a year ago to be a bad person. I've said things I shouldn't have and more that I wish I could take back. For too long I've tried to live up to the reputation people that didn't matter had expected of me because I felt like that was the only way I'd be accepted. I hate who that person was, and I've finally discovered the foundation of the person I can truly love. Day by day, I feel more real than the day before. I know when I need 'me' time. I know when to take a break from seeing my friends all the time and be alone when I need to. But I am deathly afraid of being alone. The worst moments in my life are laying on my pillow until I fall asleep. I have the best friends a guy could ask for. They've stuck by me through thick and thin, and I wish nothing but the best for them. Every one of them. I consider myself somewhat of a clean freak, but I really do hate cleaning. I know its harmless to a degree, but I flirt too much, and I hate it. I go mental some days thinking about love too much. More than anyone probably should. New Found Glory is my favorite band in the world. I'm insanely self-conscious about my appearance. I had chronic anxiety attacks daily from age eleven to age seventeen. I don't know why they're gone now, but I couldn't be happier about not having to deal with them any more. I'm persistent. I won't give up on anything until someone yells at me...I'm constantly thinking that there's always a chance. I don't miss my band but I miss playing music. For the most part, I miss the people I met while being in that band and the things we did together. Some of them are my best friends now. I just don't miss the collective we became. I do miss playing music though. I have six nieces, and eight nephews. I love being Uncle Big D. I've been on the wrong side of substance use before, and I'll never go back, much less even take another step back toward my past. I'm staying true to my convictions and I'll be sober until the day I die. I spend too much time on my cell phone, even to the point of texting people when others are trying to have a conversation with me. It's rude but I still do it. I feel like I'll never not be jaded. I don't remember what it feels like to trust someone without them hurting me. I want to be healthier, but I lack the motivation to go to the gym that I have a free membership with. Too lazy. When I start reading a book, I get bored and start reading another one. I want someone to find me a book I can finish. I want to get paid to cook food for people who'll appreciate it. I'm a grammar critic and I often use an extensive vocabulary primarily for harsh words. I need to stop this. I try and have an awesome relationship with God, but I'm not perfect, and keeping my faith as intact as I wish it was is difficult for me. I'm constantly feeling like praying doesn't get me anywhere. I know there is something I'm missing, and I'm working on it. My dad died when I was sixteen, and if anything it brought me closer to God when most people would be upset and bitter. But this is reality, and we need to grasp that we don't deserve any guarantee whatsoever besides air to breathe.

I use my own advice like a fake tattoo.

If there was ever a mistake I wish I could take back, it was letting you see the part of me I shouldn't have been. But if that meant never letting you see me in the first place, I'll take reality. She was the first person to tell me I didn't need to be better, I didn't need to be above anyone, I didn't need to be anything but myself. I believed her, but my constant feelings of inadequacy kept me attempting to amend what didn't need correction. This, my ultimate regret. The first person to tell me I was a writer, the first person to tell me I was good at expressing myself. Too surreal to emotionally process. I'm sitting in the computer room of my best friend's house, which happens to be the place I live. It is three in the morning and the most beautiful girl I've ever met was laying next to me in a towel a mere five minutes ago, saying goodbye. She's leaving on a plane for Seattle in five hours, and I can't do a thing to stop her.

I probably sit alone and think about love more than any logical person should, but I've grasped my fate. My accepted destiny is the world's biggest walking cliché. I'm a hopeless romantic and I'll probably be nothing more than a spectator, a critic of the glory that I'm void of experiencing in it's fullness. What is worse, is that I'm persistent. I refuse to give in and not give myself another chance to get what I want. I refuse to let what transpired over two years of unconditional love remain in a moment that didn't live as long as it should have. I'm pretty sure she was surprised at how much I cared. I for one am on a mission to restore chivalry. To restore what profound sense of innocence I had. She could do this in an instant, and it wouldn't even take much. Thank God for the technology of photography - that smile could outshine the Hawaii coast at sundown and a laugh that could drown out gunfire.

There were so many times through this entire ordeal where I had tried to force myself to not care about her, to distance myself from the idea of her and separate any consideration. Just to save myself the heartbreak I knew was coming, but that would have been harder than taking the pain. There was nothing that was going to stop them from growing closer. I worked a part time job in a mall just to feed myself, there was no way I was buying a plane ticket to perform a typical intervention. Trust me, I weighed the options.

I wish the thought of her with him didn't make me so upset. I honestly wish I could have taken back every disgusting thing I've said out of jealousy, but still, I hate him. At the same time though, I'm thankful he was around to give her whatever I couldn't, whatever that was. No harsh words can seriously explain my envy.

In retrospect, I wouldn't have traded it for anything. That is the only way I can seem to conclude this...closure hasn't really evolved on this subject and probably never will. Maybe one day, we'll look back at this and laugh. Hopefully I'll be able to laugh about it.

Dear muse,Dear writers block,
Dear love,
Dear downfall,

I hope you're happy with whoever you are, whatever you're doing, wherever you're going.